After the noisy man left me at about 6:30 in the morning i had so many plans for the day in my head so i was ready to have a shower and pounce into action like an ocelot.
I went for my morning colon clear-out and if there is one crazy thing that has struck me since my stay at Rainbow Lodge is the toilet paper, now obviously i am not expected double velvet luxury so the sandpaper like quality is not the problem, the issue with the tissue is that it is dark green like a christmas tree. I'm not entirely sure why someone would ever choose to change the colour but to a colour such as that seems quite ridiculous. The reason toilet paper is white is so that your poop shows up easily and you can tell when to stop wiping whereas with dark green paper it becomes a challenge, coupled with the low lighting you would expect in a strip club its almost a guessing a game when you feel like your bum is clean.
I spent the day very much the same as yesterday, searching the city centre again having a more extensive look round to see what i had missed yesterday, turns out i didn't miss much so i came back to the hostel to have a go on the internet.
Now i could end this here as nothing else worth mentioning happened, so for those of you that love the facts this blog provides, this is as far i can take you please close the page and come back next entry.
For those of you that love the blog for its sheer existence i will continue on with the days actions that may not be entirely 100% accurate.
I spend the best part of 2 hours on the internet before i became so bored i thought about pretending to fall off my chair and die. i didn't.
I came back to the room to find a racoon had bypassed my Guantanamo-esque security and found his way into my bag, i questioned his presence but he refused to answer and instead turned his head in my direction to reveal nutella smeared all over his cheeks. He had been devouring my nutella that i had payed a pretty penny for so i threw a punch in his general direction, what happened next can only be described as a skirmish. There was a lot of noise and eventually the law were called as well as the local falconer, he released a harpy eagle into the room and the racoon was swiftly dealt with.
I was left nursing my wounds and even had to take a trip to the hospital where i was subjected to an x-ray, as i have had 5 x-rays already this year i was informed that if i was exposed to more of the rays i could be effected in a mysterious way. Being the chancer i am i decided to go ahead with it, turns out i had fractured my humorous, i felt annoyed but i was relieved to know i at least had one, i have heard rumours Jon was apparently born without them.
After leaving the hospital i felt the effects of the extra exposure to the rays kicking in as i began to shoot lightning bolts from my fingertips, i decided to cause havoc in the streets by screaming obey me at the top of my voice and striking down any people i took a dislike to, i was on top of the world. Unstoppable.
Just when things looked as though they couldn't get any better i was confronted by my nemesis, Ricardo Quaresma. I don't know how he got there so quick but he immediately challenged me to a game of chess, being the dab hand at chess i am, i accepted.
I destroyed him in the first game and he levelled up in the second, it came down to the decider but just as i was cornering his king to put in the final attack a carrier pigeon landed on the board inadvertently knocking over my king, i was beaten….and angry.
I jumped up and grabbed the pigeon with my hand round his throat when i noticed some paper attached to his foot, i unravelled the scroll to find out that i was the lucky winner of the Nigerian lottery, i didn't remember entering but i was ecstatic at going from zero to hero in a matter of minutes, i punched that prick Quaresma in the neck and jumped on my trusty broom and ran off to the Nigerian embassy.
They informed me that their country didn't have a lottery but as a gesture of good will they would provide me with something they had in abundance. So i left the embassy with my winnings, one syringe full of HIV that i could use on anyone i hated.
Now you may think Quaresma was going to get done over but no, i had bigger fish to fry. Ashley Young.
As a country i still don't think we should forgive him for his stupid penalty, everyone knows you don't put your foot through it, just place it in the corners!
So i set off asking people of his whereabouts, it was harder than you think to find Mr Young (not the drum playing history teacher) as he had his own magical powers, the power of invisibility. Now i, as im sure were you, was quite skeptical of his powers, but so confident in his own ability to disappear he provided the spectacle live on prime time television for a whole 120 minutes. Very cock sure of himself, that was until it came to the crunch, the infamous crunch. Thats when we all revelled in the mosque sized slice of humble pie he was forced to indulge in, quietly resenting his very existence… As a side note, Ashley Cole is a mug as well (and gay apparently).
I eventually found him laying on a Bondi Beach, he must have been laying there for at least a week as he looked burned to a crisp, i wasted no time in frying his whole body with a lightning bolt straight to the naval which exploded him from the inside out, Zeus himself would have been proud of my accuracy but as i am the most naturally gifted marksman in Hertfordshire it came as no surprise to me.
And that my friends is the days actions. THANKS!
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